Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Why?
Why don't I ever post on here? And when I do, why is it such a lackluster effort? ...Like now.
Eek.
Eek.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Yes, I Have
I found this on a site that I'll be posting as my Link of the Week on Monday for Xanga, but this nugget I thought was particularly dead on:
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
Friday, August 28, 2009
How Smart Is Your Foot?
Try this, it’s fun. And also aggravating. Apparently, it’s from an orthopedic surgeon. This will confuse your mind and you’ll keep trying, I did, over and over again to see if you can do it.
—While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
—Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction no matter what.
Like I said: aggravating.
—While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
—Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction no matter what.
Like I said: aggravating.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Why I Should Be President
It's true. I have legitimate reasoning as to why I should be president, and if not president, at minimum a renowned Senator.
Everyone's aware of the new "Cash for Clunkers" precedent from the government, right? Trade in your old vehicle and get up to $4,500 dollars toward the purchase of new car. Great idea right? I mean, you could tow something up to the dealership and still manage to get $3,000 dollars out of it. Man, our congressional system really nailed it this time....
...oh wait, I thought up that exact idea in OCTOBER. October! As soon as Ford and GM began their collective bankruptcy and the government decided to give them billions upon billions of our tax dollars to them, I said to my parents (in a lengthy discussion, no less) "This is what they should do, they should give every American home about a $4,000 dollar credit to go purchase a new car. However, they have to trade in an older car that has high emission rates. This will enable a lot of newer, more fuel efficent cars to get on the road and the old ones, continuing to pollute the ozone--off the road." I went on to say that with this $4,000 dollar credit, the Big Three would be able to "bail" themselves out per se, and would still promote business and a product to boost the US economy.
So suffice it to say, I came up with the same freakin' idea 10 months before our entire government and 500-600 of our country's most productive and forward thinking minds. Oh wait! Their plan does have something mine didn't, maybe that's what took them ten additional months to come up with: A witty slogan in "Cash for Clunkers."
Everyone's aware of the new "Cash for Clunkers" precedent from the government, right? Trade in your old vehicle and get up to $4,500 dollars toward the purchase of new car. Great idea right? I mean, you could tow something up to the dealership and still manage to get $3,000 dollars out of it. Man, our congressional system really nailed it this time....
...oh wait, I thought up that exact idea in OCTOBER. October! As soon as Ford and GM began their collective bankruptcy and the government decided to give them billions upon billions of our tax dollars to them, I said to my parents (in a lengthy discussion, no less) "This is what they should do, they should give every American home about a $4,000 dollar credit to go purchase a new car. However, they have to trade in an older car that has high emission rates. This will enable a lot of newer, more fuel efficent cars to get on the road and the old ones, continuing to pollute the ozone--off the road." I went on to say that with this $4,000 dollar credit, the Big Three would be able to "bail" themselves out per se, and would still promote business and a product to boost the US economy.
So suffice it to say, I came up with the same freakin' idea 10 months before our entire government and 500-600 of our country's most productive and forward thinking minds. Oh wait! Their plan does have something mine didn't, maybe that's what took them ten additional months to come up with: A witty slogan in "Cash for Clunkers."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Believe it or Not
Someone sent these around at work. Apparently these are all real phrases that teachers on and cops said. I actually remember hearing one of them on "Cops," but the rest I'm not so sure. What do you think?
Teachers:
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. the wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.
Police:
1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.
6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
8. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop.'
11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
13. 'How big were those two beers you say you had?'
14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
Teachers:
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. the wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.
Police:
1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.
6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
8. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop.'
11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
13. 'How big were those two beers you say you had?'
14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
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